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Defusing Hostile Interactions: One Day Course

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Lesson 10, Topic 1
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ADESO Script

Kerry September 15, 2021

This is a script you can use which pulls together the communication skills you have already worked through. It may look like it flows only from top to bottom, but it does not have to. You could start at the bottom and mix it up, or could simply use only three of these elements. Starting with acknowledging is often beneficial because as noted in earlier information, it can be a wonderful defusing skill.

  • Acknowledge the other party’s emotional state/experience
  • Describe what you see and/or hear objectively, descriptively.
  • Express the effect on you or others using “I” language.
  • Specify your preference (or ask an open question when inviting discussion).
  • Outcome is informing the other what is the benefit if they adjust behaviour

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“I can hear how upsetting this has been.”
“The wait has been super frustrating.”
“This process is making no sense at all.”
“I can hear how upset you are upset with the social worker.”

Describe what you observe objectively and descriptively:

“I notice that…”
“I heard you say…”
“I heard you say that…”
“When I hear you say…”
“I see that the…”

Express the effects on yourself or on others:

“It makes it more difficult for me to help…”
“I have trouble hearing…”
“I stop listening…”
“I wonder if I will be able to help….”
“My concern is….”
“I don’t know what you would like me to do for you.”
“I get…… (because)….”

Specify your preference, or ask an open question:

“I prefer…”
“I would like to help….”
“I would like us both to be able to…”
“I would like us both to be heard.”
“I would like to understand so I can help you effectively….”
“My preference is…”
“In order to ______ I need _______. I would like it if you helped me out by…”
“What would work better for me is…”
“I need ______ so I would like you to…”


“If that can happen, I will be able to understand your concerns.”
“If the “F” language stops I will be able to focus on your concern.”
“If you can do that, I’m sure we can figure something out.”

To be passive is to let others decide for you. To be aggressive is to decide for others. To be assertive is to decide for yourself. And to trust that there is enough, that you are enough.

Edith Eva Eger